I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
