two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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