I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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