I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
