i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
