o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
