dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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