Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize