You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
