Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
