Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
