He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
