Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
