There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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