I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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