I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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