remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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