You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
