I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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