just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
