Hey man sorry I got all grabby
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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