I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
