don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
