i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
