so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
