my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
