I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
