My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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