I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
