after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
