I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So much Jack, so little girl.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
