she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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