I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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