a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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