i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
