I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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