totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
