i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
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