ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
