Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
