Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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