So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
