I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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