i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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