just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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