A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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