"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
