When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
