It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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