I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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