her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
