Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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