If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
