So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
