I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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