I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
