her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
