I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
