I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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