discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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