Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
