i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize