I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
