tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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