what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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